Posts Tagged ‘英语’

一段脱口秀 两项基本功

Friday, March 26th, 2010

【按】以下是华人脱口秀演员Joe Wang最近在一次由美国副总统拜登参加的答谢宴会上的表演。他的每一段话,都会引来满堂笑声与喝彩。他还不失时机地揶揄拜登,而对方也很有风度地讪笑。

欣赏这段妙语连珠的脱口秀,你需要掌握两种技能。一是英语,你至少能够看懂下面的录音整理和笑点提示。二是翻墙,这两段都是Youtube的录像,你只有翻出去,才能看到它们。

从今以后,你要学会这两种技能。如果不想天天看CCTV和CNTV,如果不想天天用百度和新浪微博,除了忍痛学习,你没有别的选择。

第一段

第二段

录音整理 (原出处

Good evening everyone, my name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as Who?, which is actually my mother’s maiden name and the answer to my credit card security question.

But joking aside I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here tonight.[refer to the Salahis crashing a white house party]

I grew up in China. Who didn’t20[I grew in America, who didn’t20poking fun at ignorant rednecks] And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school,as part of the curriculum, I had
to work in a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that was when I learned light travels fast than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn’t do it right. When I was seven one day he said to me, “Hey, son,why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” So five minutes later I said “why?” He said
because I said so!

I came to the United States in, when I was twenty four to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn’t a joke, until now.

And I was driving this used car that had a lot of bump stickers that were impossible to peel off. One of them said “If you don’t speak English, go home”. And I didn’t know this for two years.

And like many other immigrants, we all want our son to the become the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home, English in the public, which is really tough to do because
many times I have to say to him in public, “hey, listen, if you don’t speak English, go home.” And he would say to me, “hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “son, once you become the president of the United
State,you are gonna have to sign the legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese.”

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States because in China, I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons,
where they ask us questions like “Who is Benjamin Franklin?” I was like “Ah , the reason our convenience store gets robbed?” [Franklin is on $100 bill] “What is the second amendment?” I was like “Ah, the reason our convenience
store gets robbed?” [The second amendment grants right to own firearms] ” What is Roe versus Wade?” I was like “Ah, two ways of coming to the United States?” [Roe v. Wade legalize abortion in US, which everyone in the
audience knows. Illegal immigrants come to US either by rowing a boat or wading thru a river.] Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.[Obviously he is not white and should not
feel guilty.]

And in America they say that all men are created equal.But after birth it kind of depends on parents income for early education and health care. I read in the Men’s Health magazine that President Obama,every week, has two cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see I don’t have to excise, because I have health insurance. [poking fun at US health care system] I live in Massachusetts now, where we have universal health care. Then we
elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him. It’s called Kill Bill.[Scott Brown vowed to kill health care bill .Apparently, there was not many Quentin fans in the audience. It was a greatjoke.]

I am honored to meet Vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I actually read your autobiography.And today I see you. I think the book is much better.They should have [not very clear] Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.

So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight and I prepared for months for tonight show and I [not very clear] the white house and [not very clear] by President Obama, that was when he decided not to come. And he
started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Steven Colbert. [a liberal comedian always faking a conservative]

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize. And he accepted it. You can’t be more badass than that. Well actually, I am
thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the nobel peace prize money and give it to the military.

We have many distinguished journalists here, whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for punks. Only on the newspaper can you say things like “I was born in the year of the horse, that is why I am a naysayer.” [poking fun at media for relating things that have no causality] My point exactly.

And tonight is my first time on C-span, which is a channel I obviously always watch when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagogury of PBS and QVC [Public Broadcasting Service famous for subjectivity but hated by
conservatives, QVC television shopping channel] If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching C-span, there is C-span 2 and C-span 3. [C-span channels broadcast boring congressional debates, etc.] Thank you very much.

So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about.Thank you very much. America is number one. That is true because we won the World Series every year. [WS played between US baseball teams so US always wins.
Great joke]

After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered vote for Obama/Biden. Thank you very much. You had me at “Yes we can”. That was their campaign slogan. So after getting Obama/Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I
started to think maybe I should run for president myself. Well I have take a step back and explain a bit. You know,cause I had always been a merryless[0A] and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You’ve probably made a difference but it is really hard to tell. [best joke of the night]. But now we have a president who is half black and half white. It just gives me a lot of hope. Because I am half not black, half not white. Two negatives make a positive. You maybe say even “hey, what will be your campaign slogan?” You see, I spent 10 years in the past decades. Oh, you too20OK. So I understand that American people are suffering. So my campaign slogan will be “Who cares!” [best political joke of the night,reveal the truth behind political campaigns and also an indictment of Bush]

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required. That will get me the union vote. You see I am married now. I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like “wow, 50 percent of all marriages end up lasting forever.”

And I will eliminated unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American work force. So two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olsen twins.

And despite heart disease and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that one, but it won’t be covered by health insurance though, because of pre-
existing conditions.

And I have quick solution to global warming. If elected, I will switch form Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees before. Now it’s forty. You are very welcome.

And I am great with foreign policy. Because I am from China. I can see Russia from my backyard. [poking fun at the ignorance of Sarah Palin] I believe that unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow.

So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I will text our allies just to say hi, and text our enemies whenever they are driving.O M G, you are making a nuclear weapon20But you are doing it wrong, L O L.

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语言洁癖

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

安替经常在微博上把中文世界发生的消息,翻译成英文。这个工作难度很大,不但要选对新闻,而且要言简意赅。因为用中文写微博可以支持140个汉字,但用英文写只支持140个字母,这意味着安替基本上要拿出贾岛炼字的功夫才能把一条新闻转译。真是“推得一个字,捻断数根须”。

有一位网友今天在微博上说:“安替英文很有问题,还总是要用英文来发微博。本来是个好事,但拜托发正确的英文行不行。有谁能把这条推给他提醒一下?”

一向谦虚宽容、谨守恕道的安替,得到这条消息后,唯唯称是,表示感谢。并自辩说,因为英文字数限制,只能用英美标题党的办法处理消息。

我看了他们的讨论,怀着谦卑的心,来到这位网友面前。我说,不妨翻一条给安替做个示范,来个简单的吧。“孙政才和胡春华均出生于1963年,地方一把手里与之年龄相仿的只有努尔·白克力,而后者不会有更大的发展。因此孙和胡成为目前第六代领导核心的领跑者。”

我同时请这位网友赐教翻译一下《红楼梦》中这句话。“我们奶奶问这里奶奶好。原是我们二爷不在家,虽然迟了两天,只管请奶奶放心。等五奶奶好些,我们奶奶还会了五奶奶来瞧奶奶呢。五奶奶前儿打发了人来说,舅奶奶带了信来了,问奶奶好。”

我佩服这位网友的英语水平和乐于助人的好心肠,不过这让我联想起了语言洁癖的问题。在英语国家生活过的人都知道,无论你英语多差劲,只要你敢开口说,老外都不会嘲笑你,而是给你赞许与鼓励。表达是一种勇敢的行为,是人类跨出封闭与孤独的冒险第一步。然而,你在国内说英语情况就不同了,会招来很多嗤笑、哄笑和浪笑。

所以说,目前世界上最有英语洁癖的不是英国人,而是中国人。死抠语法、拼写、读音,全然不知道语言本是鲜活的,泰戈尔的英文不合规范,但是别有东方韵味。中国人拿英语基本当棒槌使,分明是学舌鹦鹉,还真把自己当老鹰了。

我自己不下十次被中国女士嘲笑英语读音,那种对英语纯洁性的捍卫真让人感动,仿佛英语是她们的第三性征。当然患有语言洁癖的不仅仅是女人,某些北京男人纠正起别人的普通话来,那叫一个苦口婆心。其实,北京话不过是蒙古人和满族人说的半吊子汉语,现在居然成了标准国话,还二甲三乙地考死那么多师生。我觉得最受不了的就是播音腔,其次是话剧腔。

强调语言洁癖的人不懂语言学的最新进展。在语言学上本来就有两个流派,中国从小受的应试教育片面强调语言的规定性,用规则规定语言的对错。全然不知,语言还有个描述派,承认凡是人们说的就是对的。自己坐井观天也罢了,偏要跑上陆地来挥斥方遒。

语言洁癖的背后是国民心态。我觉得中国人,无论男人女人,亲人仇人,往往都以打击摧毁别人的自信为乐。有多少人就是因为害怕被嘲笑而不敢演讲,不敢登台,不敢说英语,甚至不敢朗诵母语。

当然,那位说安替英语有问题的网友用意是好的,她也表示,以后会具体指出错在何处,以利于安替继续提高。我上述的议论不过是借题有感而发,由此造成的误会也理应避免。

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光盘版英语字典试用手记

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

一个没必要回避的事实是,几乎所有的主流词典都出了光盘版,而这些光盘的文件可以在网上找到。我们可以利用中国网民得天独厚的条件对这些词典进行试用,但是也应当尊重字典出版商的劳动,如果确实喜欢,而且条件允许,还是要购买正版。

我一口气试用了以下电子词典。

1、牛津英语词典 OED (单光碟老版,2光碟V3版)
2、简明牛津 COED11
3、朗文当代 (LDOCE 4.2)
4、牛津高级(OALD7)
5、剑桥高级(CALD3)
6、韦氏第3版新国际英语足本词典 (W3 v2.5)

一、先说安装

安装最困难的是OED CD v3,难就难在安装完毕启动程序时,要验证data盘,也就是第二张盘。而此时,无论怎么折腾,第二张盘死活也不能通过认证。

有多种原因造成了这种情况发生,并不一定是非正版使然。请看这里的讨论,或许对你有帮助。

官方提供的解决方法是下载一个补丁文件:http://www.oup.co.uk/zip/ep/oedfix_full.zip,把主目录/bin/里的内容覆盖掉。当然这一种办法未必奏效。也有一种情况是不经意之间,就折腾好了。我在台式机上,就是这么折腾的,效果良好,但是到了笔记本上,怎么也不行了。

计算机这个玩意,根本还没资格叫做科学。因为它有很多随机的无法解释的特性,很多实验过程无法重复验证,所以只能算一门技术。这里聚集着跟我一样困惑的人们。

如果实在搞不定,那只好退而求其次,下载一个单CD的iso文件了。这个安装绝无问题,就是使用的时候,界面难看,另外在中文操作系统下,有乱字符。

朗文当代 (LDOCE 4.2)的安装稍微复杂一点,因为需要一并下载破解文件。但有一点和牛津高级(OALD7)是一样的,那就是与Quicktime冲突。安装之后无法播出声音,甚至显示出错信息。

这两个问题其实是同一个,可以用下面的办法轻松解决。以朗文为例。

打开Windows资源管理器
假设Longman安装在C盘
找到C:\Program Files\Longman\ldoce4v2\plugins,把plugins文件夹改个名字,比如叫:plugins1
找到你电脑上QuickTime的安装文件夹
把Quicktime文件夹下的\plugins文件夹,全部复制到Longman的文件夹下的\ldoce4v2
再次运行Longman程序
完全搞定

对待OALD7,也用同样的办法解决。

二、我们需要这么多辞典吗?

需要,我正在下载着《美国传统辞典》(AHD4)呢。

每一种辞典的用途都有所不同,有人喜欢剑桥高级的同义词功能,有人喜欢牛津的句法指南,也有人喜欢W3的照单全收,我既喜欢朗文的界面友好,整句朗读,又喜欢简明牛津的古典与现代的统一。

当然所有字典的功能加在一起也比不上背一个单词对你更有益。使用它们,用它们来提高自己,用它们来干活挣钱,用它们来改造这个世界,才是慷慨的正道。

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