Posts Tagged ‘爱看电影’

一段脱口秀 两项基本功

Friday, March 26th, 2010

【按】以下是华人脱口秀演员Joe Wang最近在一次由美国副总统拜登参加的答谢宴会上的表演。他的每一段话,都会引来满堂笑声与喝彩。他还不失时机地揶揄拜登,而对方也很有风度地讪笑。

欣赏这段妙语连珠的脱口秀,你需要掌握两种技能。一是英语,你至少能够看懂下面的录音整理和笑点提示。二是翻墙,这两段都是Youtube的录像,你只有翻出去,才能看到它们。

从今以后,你要学会这两种技能。如果不想天天看CCTV和CNTV,如果不想天天用百度和新浪微博,除了忍痛学习,你没有别的选择。

第一段

第二段

录音整理 (原出处

Good evening everyone, my name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as Who?, which is actually my mother’s maiden name and the answer to my credit card security question.

But joking aside I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here tonight.[refer to the Salahis crashing a white house party]

I grew up in China. Who didn’t20[I grew in America, who didn’t20poking fun at ignorant rednecks] And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school,as part of the curriculum, I had
to work in a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that was when I learned light travels fast than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn’t do it right. When I was seven one day he said to me, “Hey, son,why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” So five minutes later I said “why?” He said
because I said so!

I came to the United States in, when I was twenty four to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn’t a joke, until now.

And I was driving this used car that had a lot of bump stickers that were impossible to peel off. One of them said “If you don’t speak English, go home”. And I didn’t know this for two years.

And like many other immigrants, we all want our son to the become the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home, English in the public, which is really tough to do because
many times I have to say to him in public, “hey, listen, if you don’t speak English, go home.” And he would say to me, “hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “son, once you become the president of the United
State,you are gonna have to sign the legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese.”

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States because in China, I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons,
where they ask us questions like “Who is Benjamin Franklin?” I was like “Ah , the reason our convenience store gets robbed?” [Franklin is on $100 bill] “What is the second amendment?” I was like “Ah, the reason our convenience
store gets robbed?” [The second amendment grants right to own firearms] ” What is Roe versus Wade?” I was like “Ah, two ways of coming to the United States?” [Roe v. Wade legalize abortion in US, which everyone in the
audience knows. Illegal immigrants come to US either by rowing a boat or wading thru a river.] Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.[Obviously he is not white and should not
feel guilty.]

And in America they say that all men are created equal.But after birth it kind of depends on parents income for early education and health care. I read in the Men’s Health magazine that President Obama,every week, has two cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see I don’t have to excise, because I have health insurance. [poking fun at US health care system] I live in Massachusetts now, where we have universal health care. Then we
elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him. It’s called Kill Bill.[Scott Brown vowed to kill health care bill .Apparently, there was not many Quentin fans in the audience. It was a greatjoke.]

I am honored to meet Vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I actually read your autobiography.And today I see you. I think the book is much better.They should have [not very clear] Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.

So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight and I prepared for months for tonight show and I [not very clear] the white house and [not very clear] by President Obama, that was when he decided not to come. And he
started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Steven Colbert. [a liberal comedian always faking a conservative]

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize. And he accepted it. You can’t be more badass than that. Well actually, I am
thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the nobel peace prize money and give it to the military.

We have many distinguished journalists here, whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for punks. Only on the newspaper can you say things like “I was born in the year of the horse, that is why I am a naysayer.” [poking fun at media for relating things that have no causality] My point exactly.

And tonight is my first time on C-span, which is a channel I obviously always watch when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagogury of PBS and QVC [Public Broadcasting Service famous for subjectivity but hated by
conservatives, QVC television shopping channel] If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching C-span, there is C-span 2 and C-span 3. [C-span channels broadcast boring congressional debates, etc.] Thank you very much.

So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about.Thank you very much. America is number one. That is true because we won the World Series every year. [WS played between US baseball teams so US always wins.
Great joke]

After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered vote for Obama/Biden. Thank you very much. You had me at “Yes we can”. That was their campaign slogan. So after getting Obama/Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I
started to think maybe I should run for president myself. Well I have take a step back and explain a bit. You know,cause I had always been a merryless[0A] and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You’ve probably made a difference but it is really hard to tell. [best joke of the night]. But now we have a president who is half black and half white. It just gives me a lot of hope. Because I am half not black, half not white. Two negatives make a positive. You maybe say even “hey, what will be your campaign slogan?” You see, I spent 10 years in the past decades. Oh, you too20OK. So I understand that American people are suffering. So my campaign slogan will be “Who cares!” [best political joke of the night,reveal the truth behind political campaigns and also an indictment of Bush]

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required. That will get me the union vote. You see I am married now. I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like “wow, 50 percent of all marriages end up lasting forever.”

And I will eliminated unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American work force. So two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olsen twins.

And despite heart disease and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that one, but it won’t be covered by health insurance though, because of pre-
existing conditions.

And I have quick solution to global warming. If elected, I will switch form Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees before. Now it’s forty. You are very welcome.

And I am great with foreign policy. Because I am from China. I can see Russia from my backyard. [poking fun at the ignorance of Sarah Palin] I believe that unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow.

So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I will text our allies just to say hi, and text our enemies whenever they are driving.O M G, you are making a nuclear weapon20But you are doing it wrong, L O L.

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老蒋《三页A4纸摄影教程》

Friday, January 29th, 2010

【白板报按】2008年春天,地震来临之前,我初学摄影,就接到了一项到都江堰采访加摄影的任务。我背着从王小街那里借来的佳能350D入门单反,利用空中飞行的两个多小时,学完了纽约摄影学院四年才能讲明白的教程。原因就是我手里有一本不传之秘,这就是老蒋专门为我写的《三页A4纸摄影教程》。

这份教程我一直秘不示人,除非好友相求,我才千叮咛万嘱咐地给他们看一眼。今天,眼见白板报一片荒芜,为了力挽颓势,我决定擅自发布这本教程。

老蒋说,要有光。

《三页A4纸摄影教程》

作者:老蒋

科学家和工程师降低了摄影这个事的技术门槛,人人都能拍,要想拍的好一点也只需要很少的技术知识,我写的不准确,但是够用了。

先说决定一张照片的主要技术因素:

1. 光。没有光就没法拍了,当然还有夜里也能拍的特殊设备,比如红外摄影,这些课题一般人不会遇到。记住,影响照片的第一要素就是光。充足的光照就好拍照,中午比傍晚强,白天的室外比室内强。

2. 快门。也说快门速度、速度。其实是个时间概念,用时间表示。比如1/125,1/8秒。相机的这个动作就是打开进光的门,1/125秒就是门打开1/125秒就关上了,比一般的门速度快多了,因为快,所以叫快门。通常用S表示快门速度,是second的字头。快门这个东西通常在机身上,专业器材里有镜间快门,由装在镜头里得名。

3. 光圈。就是进光的洞。它在镜头里面,可以开大,可以开小。一般用F+数字,表示光圈大小,比如F8,F5.6,F22。可恶的是,数字越大,这个洞越小。

4. 感光度。这玩意指胶片感光的速度,有的敏感,就快。有的迟顿,就慢。用ISO表示。比如ISO50,ISO800,数值越小越慢。

相机拍下一张照片需要一定的光量。快门,光圈和感光度组合起来就达成了。可以理解为门开多大,开多长时间,这样就决定了进来多少光,这个过程就叫曝光。当然光要照在胶片或者数码相机的CCD上(这玩意就相当于胶片),所以胶片的敏感度也是因素之一。

快门+光圈+感光度=光量。

比如:

(快门)S1/125+(光圈)F8+(感光度)ISO100=准确的光量。

那么,

(快门)S1/60+(光圈)F16+(感光度)ISO100=准确的光量。

就是说,时间多了一倍,门小了一倍,光量还是一样的。

或者,

(快门)S1/250+(光圈)F8+(感光度)ISO200=准确的光量。

就是说,时间少了一倍,门没变,敏感度高了一倍,光量还是正确的。

现在你该搞明白了,快门,光圈,感光度,都可以变化,总能搞出正确的光量。胶卷的感光度是不变的,装进去一卷ISO100的,你只要操控快门和速度了。但是数码相机的感光度是随时可调的,但也范不着老去调它。

忘记说,在机械时代,这些狗屁数字基本都是倍数。比如F8,是比F16大一倍的洞。1/125秒是比1/250秒慢一倍的时间。ISO200比ISO100的敏感度高一倍。自动相机和后来的数字相机都可以实现无级的光圈、快门调节。所以你会看到更多的数字,比如1/35秒,F4.2。

自动曝光

那会不会计算起来很晕?

不会的,只会更加省事了,上面说的是原理。现在的相机都是自动曝光,就是自动计算需要的光量。相机通常有些模式,比如自动,AUTO表示,你就什么都不用管了,丫自己感觉光,算出合适的一组光圈和速度。咱们可以比自动多一点控制,比如TV模式,即速度优先,你选了这个模式,再选一个快门速度,它就一直按这个快门速度自己决定正确的光圈。所以叫速度优先,快门优先,还有叫速度先决的,术语真恐怖。

还有你熟悉的AV,不是日本AV,是光圈优先,你定光圈,相机自己算快门速度。顺便说一下,曝光不足,曝光过度,是两个常用术语。黑漆漆就是不足,白花花就是过度。数码时代这基本不是问题了,用不同曝光多拍几张就行了。

曝光的依据是测光

那么相机是怎么算出来光量的呢?通过一个叫测光的设备。光有多亮这个事是可以测量的,要不相机的生产就乱套了。相机都是内测光,就是测量取景器看到的画面,这个画面有多亮。因此,老大,你可以立刻得出结论,丫测的是反射光,是在光照下,不同物体对光的反射。所以这个测光不是特别靠谱。很多人依靠自动测光拍雪景拍出来是灰色的,拍煤厂拍出来也不黑,是反射率的问题。那么老大肯定想到了,一定有更靠谱的测光设备,对,测入射光。就是测量光源的亮度,这玩意准确。”入射式测光表”是一个独立的设备,像秒表,血压计那些玩意一样,不装在相机里,因为装里面也没用,相机是密闭的,里面没光。装外边也不行,因为你拍的画面可能离你站立的地方很远,他们的光照条件不一样。其实主要这玩意是个专业设备,也不特别结实。它的工作方式跟自动曝光一样,你可以定个光圈,让它测出需要的快门速度。

用什么优先

既然前面说到速度,光圈,感光度是一组数值,而感光度不需要老换。就剩速度,光圈了,用什么优先呢?光圈优先还是快门优先?

速度太慢了,端不稳相机,拍出来图像发虚。通常,低于1/30秒就很难端稳了。是的,保持那么一会的稳定都很困难,这超乎想像。跟射击项目差不多,不练练是很难保持稳定的。更慢的快门速度,比如1秒,练也是练不出来的。但老大的身材天生具备良好的稳定性,应该能拿下很慢的快门速度。干嘛不用高速的快门呢?光照有限的时候,门开最大了,还得多开一会才行,这也是不得已。三角架就是干这个用的,保持稳定。总结一下,快门优先通常不好使,但拍体育的那些人可能经常用。这里顺便说这个问题,被摄体运动速度快,快门慢了是没法凝固运动瞬间的。被摄体的运动跟快门速度的关系决定画面效果:比如拍个瀑布,用慢速度,1/30秒,拍出来瀑布像雾像雨又像风,很轻盈。因为:

瀑布运动速度>快门速度,在1/30秒的时间里,瀑布可能跃下了10米,运动过程投射在胶片上就是虚的。

相反,用高速,比如1/5000秒,

瀑布运动速度<快门速度 那么拍出来瀑布很像固体,看上去能砸死人。 光圈优先/焦点/景深

除了被摄体运动速度很要紧的情况以外。最重要的手段就是你喜爱的AV,光圈优先。光圈优先之所以更重要,更常用,除了跟AV同名,还有个极为极为重要的原因,是景深。

我又说胡涂了,还没说焦点,就扯出景深了。好在这俩术语关联紧密。可以这样简单的理解焦点:相机没法让前后的被摄体在照片里都清楚,它保证一个点清晰,这个点就是焦点。这个点无关左右,而是前后,是个深度的概念。景深这个概念围绕焦点,就是在焦点前后,还有更远一点和更近一点的空间能清晰,这个清晰的距离就是景深,景的空间深度。总的来说,焦点后面的清晰距离多一些,前面的少一些。比如焦点后面1米还清楚,焦点前面20厘米就不行了。

这个景深跟光圈的关系密不可分,是个光学问题,只需记住不用理解。

光圈大则景深小,光圈小则景深大。

F2,景深很小。F32,景深很大。

我只想拍清楚焦点,关心景深做什么?利用景深能模糊掉你不想要的杂七杂八,突出主体。这很要紧,照相机没心没肺,它看到的通常太多,显得杂乱,老大可以善用景深以滤之。还有决定景深的机械指标是镜头:

1.长镜头,就是望远镜,大炮,景深小。参见周老虎作品。

2.短镜头,就是广角镜头,景深大。参见CGX作品。

3.微距镜头,景深更小。

镜头

这就得说说镜头了。

1. 广角镜头。可以近距离拍到很大场景。CGX的摄影距离是很近的,长镜头用不上。

2. 长镜头。相当于望远镜,体育比赛和领导开会只能从远处拍,所以场边一排大炮。
带着相机去摄影器材店把镜头挨个拧上试一遍是最好的了解方式。

镜头有单一功能的,定焦。不能拉近推远,只能靠你自己前后跑动。比如24广角。300长焦,功能单一,但是做工和品质一定优良,光圈大,F比如1.2。也有变焦镜头,比如35-200,既能广角也能长焦了,不用你来回跑了,不用背一堆镜头出门了。缺点就是光圈做不过定焦,可能F4就最大了。反正器材不是老大的重点,够用就行了。

其它诀窍

1. 多拍。数码相机就不怕多拍。设定不同的数值,拍完马上传到电脑上看,区别一目了然。别在相机上看,细节看不出来。数码相机的最大贡献就是马上出结果,解放了记忆力,在零成本的练习中,很容易掌握正确的办法。

2. 除了灵活AV外,曝光补偿功能最常用。其实不像字面的意思,不是补足,是增减的意思,在快门和光圈定好之外,再用曝光补偿微调。

3. 颗粒感。感光度跟颗粒感有关系,感光度越高颗粒越大,有时候颗粒感很漂亮。

4. 色温。是光源的色彩的问题。现在数码相机上也叫白平衡。通常可以选则晴天,阴天,白炽灯,日光灯等,因为这些光源的颜色不同。可以试试在日光灯下偏不设定日光灯,设定成白炽灯,照片出来色彩非常冷。这就带出最后一个问题。

5. 摄影是主观的,再现是根本不存在的。技术技巧都是为了控制影像接近主观感受,多些主观吧。

老蒋 08.2.26

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《阿凡达》火爆的背后(绝无半点剧透)

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

看了《阿凡达》。按照我的标准,它只能算一部好看的电影,还算不上一部好电影。

我对好电影的定义是,不靠3D眼镜,不靠大屏幕,哪怕用手机屏幕,模糊画质,极慢网速,也能吸引人看完的电影。

好看的电影看一遍就够了,好电影则值得反复看。

看《第六感》会让你从椅子上跳起来,看《肖申克》会让你在大雨中跑起来,看《艾薇塔》会让你在黑夜里唱起来,看《阿凡达》只会让你在凌晨四点半排队的长龙中排起来。

有人问我怎么评价阿凡达?我说八十年代有一本刊物《青年一代》,略黄,里面讲到一对恋人,男的非非想入,写了一张条子“今夜我能跟你在一起吗?”。女的回给他一封信:“等待新婚之夜那神圣时刻吧”。三年后“神圣之夜”来临,男稍战而屈,女负痛而冷。任何过高期待,多半这种结局。

我问美国的朋友,他们说很容易就买到了《阿凡达》的票,我问巴黎的朋友,她说那里都没人讨论这部电影。《阿凡达》何以在中国一票难求,成为一个公众事件?

有人说,这与片子的高科技含量有关,《阿凡达》的3D特效,足以把世界上的电影分成两种:《阿凡达》之前的电影;《阿凡达》及以后的电影。

也有人认为,这部电影被追捧,跟它反映的拆迁主题有关。

我承认,这部片子的视觉效果确实很震撼,它的主题在普世意义上讲也很革命。革命的正当性,抵抗的正义性,以有限暴力对抗无度暴力的合法性,即使在西方主流社会和主流电影中,从来没有被否定。倒是革命最频繁也很需要革命的地方,智识阶层都在喊着告别革命。

但这不是《阿凡达》异常火爆的主要原因,在这个蜗居都奢侈,只能蚁居的时代,多少人能有被拆迁的荣幸?这部电影的热闹不是一个孤立事件。

自2009年年末开始,中国在文化思想领域控制收紧,文化产业进入严重衰退期,。广电总局连续使出杀威棒,工信部干掉了一个个网站,一时间,风声鹤唳,草木皆兵。

当商官和官商联袂携手,关上门又堵上窗,毁坏私人领域,压缩公共领域。当电影院被《三枪》这种艳俗的烂片所占领,当电视上响起声声破盘价和亚克西,当网站一个个被连根拔起,当真正意义上的文化产品极度缺失。人们必须寻找替代品。

《阿凡达》来得正是时候,人们纷纷用脚投票,涌向影院,排起长龙,在170分钟微光照耀下,稍微透口气,与文明稍微接一下轨,这分明是一种集体无意识的抗议。

《阿凡达》越火爆,说明文化思想越冰冷,这就是如铁一般沉重的现实。

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